Facebooking from Heaven, post- Rapture
Sunday, May 22
Dear Friends & Losers:
Guest what? The Rapture happened and you missed it. But I didn’t. I’m facebooking you from heaven right now. I’m here and you’re not.
At 6:00 pm on May 21, right on schedule, I ascended in a brilliant burst of rainbow light. I rose up, smelling suddenly like lilacs and red velvet cupcakes. Bingo, just like that. Up, up I went. Angels sang. Trumpets blared. I found myself all glowy and wearing a white silk caftan. And all you losers, you spiritual dwarfs, you remained stuck down THERE.
As I soared skyward, I was sure that I would be joining tens of thousands of other superior holy beings like my good self, but alas, no. It was just me, some old saints and a few random Buddhists. No popes, members of congress or basketball stars. I thought -- what the hell??? Could I be the only truly fabulous glorified one? Well, apparently so.
But here’s the wacky deal. It’s not just that I made it to heaven. All you dunderheads are actually in hell and you don’t seem to know it. That’s how stupid and blind you are. You still think you are living on good old planet earth, dancing with the stars, but no such luck.
Think about it. If you lived on a good planet, would half the population live in abject poverty on less than two dollars per day? Would four billion people not have heath care or justice or basic housing? Would you allow 35,000 children to die every single day of preventable illness? Would your leaders spend trillions on weapons and bombs and almost nothing to cure malaria or AIDS? In a an intelligent world, would human beings spend ten times more money on eye make-up than on eye care? In a sane world, could Michele Bachmann actually become President of the United States? Not a chance.
You don’t live on earth, my religious midgets. You live in an insane asylum in hell. You created these circumstances and you seem to enjoy it – at least some of the time, especially when Oprah gives you a car, or your favorite team wins one of those game played with a ball. What’s up with that?? Some of you fly in your private jets and hang out in your gated mansions, but more and more of you suffer through your life. You are not your brother’s keeper. You don’t seem to care what happens to each other, except for brief moments during star-studded telethons for disaster victims and afterwards you forget the crisis even happened. Haiti -- been there, done that. Short attention span, celebrity worship. You are more concerned about how your underarms smell than you are about climate change.
It’s obviously hell, my friends. I would say “Get used to it,” but you already have.
So, anyway, if I have one post-rapture message for you, it’s that you might have another chance. You missed this latest ascension, but there’s another one being promoted for next year, 2012 – all this stuff about the Mayan calendar and the end of the world next Christmas. I am sure there will be another round of media frenzy, but probably less billboards and subway ads. The new agers just don’t have the big media budgets like the evangelicals. But don’t miss this opportunity. You might get another shot at heaven, or at least the chance to change your hell into something e a bit more workable.
But we shall see, won’t we? I am not holding my breath.