Life passes as swiftly as a flash of lightning . . .

Quickly the body passes away, in a moment life is gone. . .

My husband died completely unexpectedly and suddenly on Monday evening. He had dinner with friends, got into his car, turned on the ignition, and died.

I am at a loss. My brain is in a fog.

How can someone I was eating breakfast with a few days ago be permanently gone from this earth?

Oh, Carol, my deep sympathy and condolences.

In my experience it can sometimes be easier when we can see death approaching in advance.

But out of the blue--infinitely more difficult.

And always, never easy, even when knowing that that which is awareness itself never dies.

Hugs, and best wishes to you...

Oh Carol, how desperately sad. Unfortunately no words can help how you feel or wash away your grief.
From many miles away, and across the ocean I would like you to feel that I am with you as best as I can be.

Carol, please accept my sympathy and heartfelt best wishes in your difficult time.

I hope you can take some small comfort in knowing that your dear husband didn`t
have to endure prolonged suffering, before he went.  He will always remain in your
heart, no matter what. May you find a lot of joy and relief in remembering all the
good times you spent together.

Much love to you and a big hug.

Stan.

Carol, such sad news. Our thoughts are with you however far away.
Much love and hugs from us both.

George & Joyce

Oh, hon, I am so sorry. Holding you and your family in my heart, and wishing you peace. I hope you feel us surrounding you - we are here - with love, Lise

Very sorry for your loss Carol.  You know you have our support.  Take it one day at a time.

Carol, that's terrible. Of course we are all only electronic friends but from me, like the others, you have  deepest sympathy. The forum is here for you, even if it is only to listen to you 'rage, rage against the dying of the light' if you need to.

Dear Carol,

My heart goes out to you and your family.   Such a terrible shock to endure and try to reconcile.  I will keep your beloved husband in my thoughts as he goes on his way. 

Take care dear one.
mokuan

Thanks to all of your for your love and concern. It's a great comfort to have such friends as you all.

Nice reply Carol we are all with you

Dear carol ,I'm so sorry what a terrible shock , and Im moved you tell us , it just shows our love and support works ....even this way , so i add mine full heartedly , and more love to comfort you .

Dear Carol, I am deeply saddened to hear of your loss. My spouse and I have been happily married for over 40 years. The thought of losing her would be is devastating one. I can only imagine the depth of your pain and trauma in losing your life companion. I join with others in this online community to send my support and loving concern to you and yours.

much love and support
jb

Dear Carol

Just adding my heartfelt condolences to you and your family, so very sorry for your loss

Brigitte

Dear Carol,

I too feel like I know you through this forum.  My heartfelt condolences for your loss and for your family and all of your friends who knew your husband.  I think it's in the Light of Asia where it says, "And the dewdrop slips into the shining sea."  I pray he is in his own true home and at peace.

xo
Enida

Thinking of you Carol at this tough time.

in gassho
maisie

Very, very sorry Carol.  Very, very sad.
Love to All Beings/George

Thank you all for your kind expressions of sympathy.

 This is good training in accepting suffering and acknowledging its reality. I think it's called Ducca, but someone can correct me on that. 

It's tempting to keep busy, hang around with friends, take pills, try to drive the suffering underground. But I have the sense that the suffering has to be acknowledged (bowed to, as Koshen would say) before we can get to the other side.

I think  Carol from a human point of view, your whole being needs time to come through the natural stress of an ordeal, it's time to be kind to Carol and family..thinking of you

Just to support what Michael is saying, as a long time therapist and one who has traveled the road of profound grief myself, the disposition that is most helpful in my view both spiritually and psychologically is a profound compassion for one's humanity. The attachment that comes with love is released only slowly and the best medicine is tenderness.

well said Bill, it is the human condition to attach our selves to whom and what we love,I dont believe it is the spiritual or Buddhist way to detach ourselves,but somewhere within that conundrum we find our unity with all beings

chisanmichaelhughes wrote:

well said Bill, it is the human condition to attach our selves to whom and what we love,I dont believe it is the spiritual or Buddhist way to detach ourselves,but somewhere within that conundrum we find our unity with all beings

Thanks for this statement, Michael, so well put. What has taught and enlightened me most in life has been my willingness to love deeply those beings, human and otherwise who entered, graced, and blessed my life in a myriad different ways and to accept the pain that accompanies loving. Attachment is not the enemy, it is inevitably linked to loving, and what frees us from the prison of separateness. And through it we actually find our freedom and  our home and awakening in the essential unified life we share with all beings. What can happen too often with Zen and Buddhism, especially in institutional monasticism,  is this attempt to bypass or artificially transcend loving deeply. This false transcendence and fear of the inevitable attachment and pain that comes from loving leads to the stories we have seen here of abuse, cruelty,  and hard heartedness in the name of  a deluded "superior wisdom." Acceptance of attachment and the pain of grief is what makes it possible to move through grief and into greater capacity for love and compassion in my own experience.

Fancy clothes names and religious setting somehow can make us feel we have to be extraordinary,someone else,someone special,somehow greater,we can stay up all night,we can den ourselves,but of course here right now is where we are  where we meet no pretense no facade.  Billyour post was wonderful to read,full of real humanity and understanding

Thank you Bill and Carol for helping us all .
It is a privilege to read your words.

gassho

Agreed Maisie, and so beautifully stated Bill, and Chisan too, no need to travel to "other dusty countries". Whereever we find ourselves is not a mistake.  The Truth can be right in front of our noses, but ignorance, fear and delusion so often prevent us from seeing it, and off we go, searching everywhere until finally we understand that there had been nowhere to go

Hi Carol,

I just read this and wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.  The shock and grief must be overwhelming.  Give yourself all the time you need to work through the pain and suffering, for it takes a lot of time.  Breathe long and deep and take as many warm, relaxing baths as you can.  Eventually, the grief will transform into treasured memories that will bring joy to your now aching heart.

Michael, my condolences to your sister, you, and your family.

Thank you Motor Neurone is an awful illness,dieing from it is from what I have seen a peaceful affair,with some relief as well as sadness from all concerned

I'm glad your brother-in-law had a peaceful death. At this stage of my life death is something I think about. And I'm of an age where I began to lose peers. A friend and former supervisor of mine died last month.  I think like most older people, it's not death that concerns me so much as the process of getting there, whether it will be marked by prolonged physical suffering, and not wanting to place burdens on those in my family who may be caregivers. I've worked in hospice before and been a counselor to both dying patients and grieving family members. I've held my dying father and my dying son in my arms.  I've seen how it can go remarkably well and also very badly. I'm convinced that a life long sitting practice is about the best preparation.

I'm convinced that a life long sitting practice is about the best preparation.
Bill I agree I believe that dignity respect and all the love in the world are needed for all at the time of death, and also life.

I just saw this Carol.

You've been nice to me and now I'm sad for you. 

Sending thoughts to your daughter too.

Thank you to Laura and Glorfindel. Laura, all the love in the world goes out to you as you go through your treatment. Glorfindel, thank you for saying I was nice to you! You've been nice to me, also, and I thank you for your kindness.

The trouble with death is not that the person isn't there anymore, but that the person isn't. It's a hard concept to grasp, especially when you see all the places and the shared events (like breakfast) where the person isn't.

I looked up "men an tol" and with a bit of imagination seemed to be able to smell the salt air over the moors.  Your granddaughter, whereever she goes in life, will remember that experience.  Children are so very impressionable at that age, it reminded me very much of the time I spent as a five year old at the Baltic. 1944-1945 during WWII as well as the conversations I had with Rev. Bridin about the Baltic.  She was a native of Latvia, and when during my visits to the Abbey, now years ago, we were not discussing practice, the conversation invariably turned to our love for the Baltic and everything connected with it.  I knew her to be a very serious and sincere practitioner and often wonder what happened in her practice at the Abbey that made her decide to "take a break" or leave alltogether.  It was always my impression that she had quite a sense of independence as well as a distaste of either real or perceived injustices, which after becoming a monk may have presented difficulties for her.  i quite often think of her and hope that whatever decision she came to will be one she can live with without causing too much regret for her, one way or another.