Bill Picard breakthrough on the cliffs near Mousehole

from Tibetan Yoga, I took as my guide the yoga of Mahamudra. For many, many hoursI sat in meditation;at first with very little success for my legs were always stiff and ached and never for a moment would the thoughts that crowded my mind stop. But slowly over the weeks and then the monthws a change took place;though i was to go through a stage when I was so sick of the seeking. A great misery would cloud my mind and I thoughtI was going mad.I could not meditate,my arms and legs ached,my head was if on fire, i could not eat or sleep,I felt my life was useless and there was no way out;I came even to hate everything about the Dharma and the doubt in my mind was'what if the Dharma is all a lie?' All i could do was lie about in misery,lost to the beauty about me; then I would go down to the sea and swim far out telling myselfI would end it all, I would just swim till I could swim no more and then sink.But then i would become afraid of death and turn and struggle back to land.
There was one thouht though that never came into my mind,and thatwas that I should leave and give the whole search up. So back in the endI would go to meditation;till in the endI found I wanted more and moreto sit in meditation and had to make myself take exercises or rest.During this periodi was sittingone night in meditation on the rock that was like a seat near my tent,when I felt that the whole rock with me on iroseinto the air; suddenly there was nothing but space all around me,for looking down I could not see the earth below. We were out in space with only the stars about us, the rock and I. It gave me a great fright but I clung to the thought that it was an illusion;just as when the lights had danced beforemy eyes or shapes had formed.But this time the illusion was more vivid than any that had gone before. I then thought that perhaps I was mad for I could no longer be sure what was in my mind and what was not;but all the timeI kept my mind on the question'who' sees things 'who' is sitting here,'who' is it that is conscious/ I knew this was a stage I must pass.
Then one night when there was a lovely full moon,in my second year on the cliffs,I felt I could not sleep. For days I had been in one of my periods of doubt and misery; I was really in need of someone to discuss this thing with, but of course there was no one. In this state of mind I started to walk a long the coast by a path I had never been on before. For hours I walked not knowing or caring where I went,often stumbling where shadow hid the moonlight on the path. My head was throbbingwith the one question' who am I' ....'who is this moving'.....who....who? Except for this one question, it seemed that my mind was a frozen block of doubt and misery, it seemed to weigh down, to press down, to press my whole body down so that I stumbled under the weight and my feet telt like lead, as if in a dream. How long I walked or how far, I have no idea,but gradually I became aware that the landscape had changed. I was no longer walking on the cliffs or moors above the sea;nowtrees and bamboos were spreading overhead and strange plants were growing beside the path, and the path itself had changed. Insteadof the rough track it had become flaged with large round flags of stone.
Rounding a bend in this strange pathway I saw before me a small lake with bamboos hanging over the water....a few steps and I came to an arched bridge and I suddenly knew I was in a Japanese garden. But here in Englan..it must be another hallucination or I am really in a dream. As if dazed, not sure of anything,I stand and stare;the moonlight was refected on the water and I watched the silver disks moveamomg large water plants;there was the scent of strange flowers on the air and I could hear the distant tinkle of a bell. The bridge I saw crossed over to a small islandin the middle of the lake,and feelingas if all self will had been drained from my body,I felt myself move over the bridge
I crossed to the island and saw what had before been hidden by the thick bamboos...ther on the rock sat the Enlightened O, the Buddha,silvery white in the moonligh.At that moment it wasas if wherebefore there wassomething with a shell of miseryand doubt about it was suddenly no more. It was gone and there was only a radience of bliss and peace and vast space........ When self consciousness returned I became awarefirst that a pale golden light was spreading through the trees overhead, while under me I could feel the cold hardness of stone on which I lay; I did not know Where I was or who I was and it did not seem to be important i just sat there looking at a world that had only just been born. The Buddha rupa, carved in stone, sat in meditation,turning golden in the early sunlight that came through the bamboos; it was at the base of the Buddha rupa that I sat on a flat stone. But of much greater interestwas the life about me;flowers alive with light, each leaf burning with life,the sunlight on the water a brilliance seen for the first time, the feeling of stone and mossseemed to fill the whole field of consciousness.It was as if consciousness that perceivedall theas was located, not in this body,but,but saw from a point that was the middle;it saw but also felt itself the leaf, the flower, the water, the rock,and also at this moment it felt everything was being created, everything was in this state of 'is' But of any sense of of an'I'that saw all this there was none.
In that state I found my body walking on as if hardly touching the ground, and later that morning I was back at my tent also the strange feeling of lightness as if my body was without weight. I had no wish to speak tp anyone; in facti kept out of the way so that i did not meet anyone.And time seemed to stand still. So much wonder to be gazed at
From that memorable night I new that the way is always here and now,the great problem was not so great after all.It is this mind that makes a shell of thoughts to encase something that is nothing that is called self.Then this selfmakes a hell of this earth,So why go to Ceylon; here and now is enough for he great purpose' For after all the problem,always goes with the going;stay here and drop it I do not think there is much more to be said at this time ,but there is a great deal to do.

Charles Luk comments:
Readers will find in the above passage that the English Buddhist succeeded in giving rise to a great doubt that caused his spiritual awakening( wu in Chinese and satori in Japanese) although he was completely unaware of it when he felt his mind was a frozen block of misery doubt and question

a breakthrough, at the emotional level, is very much a breakup. Relationships can be very difficult, as they can be very satisfying. You had the benefit of a magnificent view; you had the benefit of your pain.

Quote :

...flowers alive with light, each leaf burning with life,the sunlight on the water a brilliance....

what you are describing is such a difficult place to reach: to be refreshed at night and be able to start the day with the world

and to feel that there is a great deal to do: what exciting times are laid before you

there is a timeless moment in being satiated by experience, when we are free of the desire for experience itself... and then ... serenity as the thread of time.

keep enjoying the view....

On Interstate 5 north of Eugene February 2011.

Driving in the passing lane, "Honey, this is like rush hour traffic!" (grumpily and maybe self-pityingly) Big trucks and SUV's everywhere, our little Corolla like a bug in a buffalo stampede. Looking northeast there's a cloud far away being lit up by the sun. Beauty feeling. Then suddenly an explosion, a universe being born from a point source, expanding out so very rapidly, heaven and earth becoming Immense, vivifying, brightening, self is overwhelmed, going under. Cut it off, cut if off right now, we're in traffic!!

Immediate spontaneous feeling: "the Buddhas didn't deceive me!" Phyllis: "what's the matter?", Putting the car back into the right lane.

Keep on practicing....thirty more years...tush to the cush as Kyogen says.

What self is overwhelmed?
What is cut off?
And by whom?

the spring this year is very cold, Chisan.

If I hadn't had to act quickly, maybe I would now have a better answer to your excellent questions. As it is, my little state is now gone under the tyres... But your questions are the foundation of a practice of a lifetime.

I have now been like a mangy yellow cat with a broken tail prowling about this house/website for many months, disturbing the inhabitants with my discordant yowling.

Chisan last night had the kindness and compassion to chuck a boot at the disreputable beast.

My practice is hwadu and there is never an end to it. Experiences deep/shallow are never held on to, I just keep re-examining this matter and I am in my infancy as a practicioner. I have had two heart attacks and beat cancer so I doubt I will repay my debts to my teachers before I join the wind, but I vow to practice unceasingly and this is my wish for you readers as well.

Farewell dear friends.

Ilo

Well now mangy cat I hope your heart attacks and cacer have crumbled to dust and not held on to like your experiences,but I wonder why you re examine the matter

Chisan, in 1971 at the Abbey I met an English monk named Bill, married to an American monk named Barbara. Was that Bill Picard?

Hill Bill,

Bino married Barbara. I don't remember Bino's other name, but he was not Bill Picard.

Kyogen

Kyogen wrote:

Hill Bill,

Bino married Barbara. I don't remember Bino's other name, but he was not Bill Picard.

Kyogen

Bino's other name was Bob.

Ah, well 40 years recollection can be hazy. Was Bill Picard there at the same time, in 1971? Might have got confused about who was married to whom.

I pretty sure Bill P. never came to Shasta. By the way, one of the people on our China tour was very close to Bill P. and has his transmission silks from RMJ. His name is Eric Johns. He practices in a Chinese Chan tradition now, introduced to it by Bill.

Kyogen

Bino's other name was Bob Springer and Barbara's ordained name was Kotei.
I know Eric Johns well. He is a Romany traveller.and stayed in his horse drawn cart with us in Cornwall.He had a desire to practice meditation after reading that Charles Luk had dedicated a book to Bill.Eric went to China and became ordained, he also went to Japan. After Bill died, Bill's wife, sent Eric Bill's silks and kesa. Eric looked to Bill for meditation direction.

Bill was quite unique, he was not into religious form at all, he never wore a raksu , or used a Buddhist name. When he lead aretreat it would be zazen all day, interupted by kinhin,and a lunch break.Nothing else. I sat with him for years , and the main thing I learnt from him ,was discarding everything in zazen. Not labelling anything,dropping all concepts, thoughts and every mental occurance whilst sitting.

To be honest I have only met 2 people who sat with this depth,Ikko Roshi was the other person. Interestingly,they were very simillar, and yet so different. Ikko Roshi a tradition Zen priest , monk within a formal situation and practice, and Bill the complete non conformist, but when they both sat they both dropped who they were. With hindsight I was lucky to meet 2 people like this,they seemed to teach me from 2 different poles but taught the same thing.
Bill often puzzles me , I think it is why someone with so much meditative depth should choose to stay so anonomous. He insisted I write about him, but only after he died.

Thanks for the history, guys. Very rich in content. Bino and Barbara must have been the couple I was thinking of.

chisanmichaelhughes wrote:

Bill often puzzles me , I think it is why someone with so much meditative depth should choose to stay so anonomous. He insisted I write about him, but only after he died.

So, how's that biography of Bill Picard coming?

Dear Chisan,

You really have me very curious about your friend Bill Picard. Is there anything written about him or does it all rest upon your shoulders? Howard's last sentence above hit's the nail on the head. Not unusual for our friend Howard.

Isan yes that is the right question,
i have now a large extract from Bill's diary about his time in North India with lama Rinchen who I believe was a disciple of Hsu Yun the Chinese monk who died at 110 descendant of all Buddhist lines in China. and teacher of Charles Luk.Rin Chen was very poignant to Bill, as he told Bill he would find his East in the West,and at this particular monment of awakening,the fact that it was an actual japanese Garden in Cornwall just after the second world war,resonated with Bill. I took Bill out just before he died for a beer and a walk around this area , he loved it the beer the freedom the sea, the wind, showed me how he walked there for the first time. With a little sadness I took him back to his room where he was dying.He would have liked another beer.
So it is coming on, and close, someone has also done me some calligraphies for the site, and someone else has written a brief outline of the Buddha and his life. It still does remain an area of contemplation though,which I believe is what you are asking and I feel your foot prodding me.

You are quite right Howard there is nothing to attain and no attainer one word is one word too many,... that was Bill.

And my friend Polly, bits and pieces have been written, I suppose I was with him at particular times, and throughout his dying,His last days were full of richness as we talked,very personally talked, some too private things to say. Sometimes we drifted through time and spoke about the mountains in China and Tibet, he may have been confused as he asked if I was with him there,to make it more comfortable I would say I was,who knows, who cares. At one point he was troubled by a murder that he felt had happened years ago near the old house he was in,I offered some incense and did a japanese chant he did not like the formality but we managed to calm down what was disturbing him. and when he was actually dying in hospital, moments from death and unconscious from a stroke he responded to my meditation, by trying to leap out of bed for 1 last adventure. I suppose the book is really deep inside myself, it is a road map to who I should be and tells be at the same time who I am right now. And that is the dusty road of Zen training we really have nowhere to go,we simply have to drop who we are to be who we are.

Ahh, so well said Chisan.

Awareness relaxes back into Awareness itself. The river flows home to the boundless sea. Right where we've always been.

With a little bit of thought about the three postings above, I think what Bill left behind for me was a little koan about myself and my own integrity

The sea is in this case a great comfort for everyone as it changes in shape and form , has great depth , and always has the same ammount of water

I've been gripped reading all this - and cant think how ( or if ) i missed your November one Chisan , in fact this seems to be a new topic , or maybe i'm mismanaging the whole business of reading new stuff - anyway i especially like hearing more about Bill - But this Japanese garden is it still here ? or rather there , i am sorry i cant grasp what's what .

And , yes the sea , and rivers leading into it .I'm glad it's washed in here.

Thats what im constantly with and painting . What amazes me about the sea is the tide . the sea is drawn miles out each day , and you can walk over the fresh sand where the sea has been so powerful and deep, and then a few hours later the sea returns over it . I've just been struggling with a painting of the tide , and for days and days it was a mess , a big dark mess , i couldn't believe i was working so badly in response to something beautiful , in fact i too wanted to walk into the icy sea for ever , and i left it in despair one evening ,. The next morning with dread i went to see it , and it sat there strong, alive ,and working beautifully .

when you come down Nicky we will take a day off, put on a pair of boots and I will take you there.
the actual garden was built in St Loy a few miles along the coast from Lamorna, nr St Buryan.The garden itself fell into disrepair,but has helped inspire people to search for their hearts. Google merry maidens Lamorna, it is the same area.
Interestingly Bill was an artist, he was a potter,who learnt from Bernard Leach,
He worked as a pottery teacher, I never threw a pot,but he told me the pots threw themselves. His wife was a member of the newlyn art school and a well known painter. there are many well known painters here.

Ikko Roshi loved painting,at a full moon ceremony I was admiring a dragon he had done,and then a carver had carved it, the dragon moved,It was an informal time although short. the old man and i bumped into each other. Chisan he exclaimed, Ikko roshi i exclaimed back, then we stod and looked at each other, wanting to talk but unable, i would have loved to have talked about the dragon,but because of language we could not speak,he too gave me a great koan of integrity.
Finally one of my friends is a well known sculpurer,one of his pieces is at the Princess Diana memorial garden. He carved me a Celtic totem pole, with a mermaid that that has wings. It stands 14ft high is in my garden, the funny thing about it is that everybody thinks it is quite normal, I will email you a photo

yes ,good , so good , i look forward to the garden , and an angelic mermaid - of course , that sets me off - what richness .

Thank you , and Albert should come in here with his fine signing off, but meanwhile ,
Love nicky.

What an interesting conversation, and I too have been looking forward to the whole Bill Picard story. I wonder what the sea looks like there, the cliffs by "Mousehole"deep deep, green, like the Baltic, I suppose,which I remember from when I was a little girl, where some of us Berliners had been evacuated to during the last WW to occasionally escape the constant bombings, and I could never forget it. Matter of fact, this image of the sea along with the white dunes, ( part of Germany then, now Poland), helped carry me through the greyness of the post war years. And also the sky, one of Nickys paintings 4X5, titled "Late Summer Clem," he sky is exquisite, and would have fit right in with that area. That is a large painting, wish I could see it. I just couldn't help putting the two images together in my mind. Sea and sky!

Dear brigitte , your memories are moving and vivid- i know i agree sea and sky.
- thats .... dont know what to say ..........well thats what keeps me and my painting going here. So i'm glad you've recognized that in my painting you talk about , many many thanks .
Michael will tell you what colour that cornish sea is ( often blue blue ), here the other side of england , yesterday at least , it was grey black greenwhite , but im getting self conscious putting all this out under " Bill Picards breakthrough " to concerned OBC readers , so I'll do the rest by mp. though the sea THE OCEAN is after all a key for a lot of us isnt it ?

Nicky personally I like your comments .
Art always seems to me a reaching out, a working out, a statement of life and how one sees it. Because words connect with our intellects it is not always helpful when passing on an intuitive,religion that one experiences directly for oneself. Rivers and waterfalls are used in 'zen paintings' they depict the endless flow or cycle of life. Zozan's description of the river flowing into the boundless sea,had deep meaning for us. We intuitivly knew what he meant. Beautifully and simply worded,and not a religious or pseudo zen word mentioned.
I have friends who sell paintings for quite a lot of money , which is one interpretation of being popular without daring to say good. I like hearing them talk about art as they say and see what I am blind to see. Words like honesty comes into their descriptions. I personally like Tracy Emin; a lot do not but I do.
So the sea here is as you say blue blue,and then we get torquoise, green and grey, from the cliffs it is very often bi coloured. What we get Nicky are the large depressions coming off the Atlantic with dark clouds and lashing of rain. However the weather patterns have changed over the last 20 years.
The actual area of Bills experiences are, in some way very unchanged, there are tiny fields that have been there for hundreds of years. a stone circle ( merry maidens) 2 iron age villages have been preserved, with burial chambers,a lot of individual ancient standing stones.
St Michaels mount in Mounts Bay apparently a lay line goes through it and passes on to Glastonbury Tor. Joseph of Arimathia is rumored to have traded at the Mount. The sailors and merchants were amazed by the Mount as they thought it was magical, as it came out of the water and they could walk to it ,not realising that we had a tidal system. The life here at one time was lived around fishing, tin mining and farming , but it has changed as we have been modernised and have had to adapt to todays society.

The clearness of light has always attracted artists to the area ,and Bill was held with very high regard within the artist's community. Bill like anyone always liked the gossip of life either local or national ,but we really connected with zazen,when one has sat with someone for a long time, words are not so important. This last period of life it was different, his insistance of going over things in his life,any questions? was I sure? I remember very clearly Bill telling me years ago that at some point zazen it just done,the words have made a lasting impression on me, I live a disorganised life,possibly disfunctional, I sit formally early in the morning,and when done regulary and it is allowed to enter ones life,Bills words have more relevance and meaning.

Now then What colour is the sea?

Sorry Kozan I called you Zozan above

Ah good ITS KOZAN ,I was wondering who zozan was .
Just off to look at the sea , and its storm colours - its a wild windy day .
And thank you michael .

Bill told Chisan....at some point Zazen is just done..and as Chisan states this is what has made a lasting impression in his life (as he calls it his "disorganized, possibly disfunctional life"), yet, Chisan has become a natural and true teacher, he has recognized what is important, has sorted out the real from the unreal and keeps pointing to that. Hmmmm, yes what color is the sea, really?

And you, Nicky, with all that talent, please keep painting that light!!!!

I think Bridgitte these labels need a bit of clarifying and with good caution too. I am not and have no intention of being a teacher .The stories that I have told are quite unique ,but also totally natural and normal.I am very very lucky to have met people who have been of great influence to me,I include Mark Josh Gensho Kennett Roshi too. Bills influence is great because of the length of time sitting together, and help and guildance given. Ikko Roshi influence is incredibly deep,I think because our hearts met.
All of these important influences pointed me in the direction of zazen,the true way.That way is the important thing for me, that way is unfinished,hardly started. Zazen is the way for me to bring depth and peace to my life.Teaching or being a teacher has never come into the equation,my discussion with all people that have influenced me, has always been thus. This particular path of 'being a teacher ' is very popular maybe for peculiar reasons too,it is an instant dual situation of possible superiority over inferiority ,It has no interest for me at all, it is not a situation, not the institutionalism that sometimes goes with it, that I want in my life. When my youngest child is a little older, (remember I am a single parent )I will go back to Japan,and maybe Australia,and still sit hopefully on the cliffs here,and definitly with no title nor rank,but of course with long standing friends too, my friends are great and they know where and where not to look for the true way

And Bridgitte you are right what colour is this boundless sea that the rivers run into ?

Yes, of course Chisan, not a teacher in the formal sense of this path, that would not fit you too well, yet you, and quite a few others here on this site, do teach, all individually quite distinct too {you cannot hide sincerity) and it is recognized and conveyed in how someone says something. You were indeed fortunate to meet someone like Ikko Roshi, and others, and it was your time to do so. For some it is not the time, there is more work to be done for some reason or another, this is so for me too, much more work to be done. I do not regret my time with the OBC, and am grateful for so many things that I learned , nothing is lost, the valuable and the not so valuable. I will forever remember fondly many of the monks that showed me, often in small interchanges, more than can ever be conveyed in lectures or Dharma talks.
As to the colors of the boundless sea that all these rivers run into, chose any color you wish and it will be true for you at that moment.

Well I agree nothing is lost, zen was practiced with a lot of sincerity and belief. One can tell that on the forum great sincerity and maturity. The not so obvious is that alot of terminology has been lost. I think this is a pointer to the fact that many people have dropped form and had a good look at what was good, and relevant about their practice. This in turn can lead to true practice . So the break up or leaving Kennett Roshi was a maturing thing not a demeaning thing.
The desire for the true way never goes away

Hello Chisan
The not so obvious is that alot of terminology has been lost. I think this is a pointer to the fact that many people have dropped form and had a good look at what was good, and relevant about their practice. This in turn can lead to true practice .

Perhaps you only are scratching a minimalist's itch but oh yeah...that's the spot.

My mind is rambling a bit tonight but my typing pinkie is hot.

Much of my conditioning was held, condensed and labelled as truth. A thousand stories to address any question from any angle. The terminology of certainty. A personal library of agreement for my own conditioning.

I ran away like so many others to join the circus of dreams. What clown wouldn't feel attracted to an organization of make up artists. Some of that make up still daubs my face today.

Attempting to let go of the conditioned terminology of that dream is uncomfortable at every step but each day finds me a little more wakeful than the last.

As an ocean kayaker one of my biggest folly's of navigation has occurred by packing a metal object too close to my compass. The compass swivels and seems to be working but it is not actually free enough to do it's job. I think that the associative conditioning that is bound to our terminology can hinder ones spiritual compass in the same way.

Nothing is to be lost in the dropping of conditioned terminology but our own spiritual blindness.

Thanks Chisan for bringing it up.

Ooooh, good analogy with the compass, Howard. AND the circus of dreams. Your typing pinkie was indeed smoking.

Yes I agree, I have been thinking about ocean kyaking, since reading your post Howard. where I live it is a surfers cove reasonable breakers strong rips, body boards ,not alot of surf canoes but we have a surf row boat, google Blue Bali Cornwall We are Uk champions . I have strong memories of a friend of mine kyaking up an estuary.Ocean going sounds adventurous.
Yes the circus od dreams,is an easy place to get lost,whilst think one is on safe ground

Howard, you've done it once again!! "a personal library of agreement, for my own conditioning", that's a good one too. Once critical thinking is abandoned and you fall prey to group mentality, you're a lost cause. Not that the warning signs aren't out there, we no longer live in the middle ages, yet then doubt creeps in that your own judgement must be telling you something contrary, and that all those others who know better are more right than you are. Especially the Sangha, the holy Sangha, how could they be wrong, and, yet, once you leave that Sangha they don't give a (expletive) about you, exept by heaping their criticism on you by siding with "the master(s)" for their own particular reasons. Ugh!!!!!!!

The discusion of "Sex and The Spiritual Teacher" has been split of to a seperate thread 'The Reading Corner / Sex and The Spiritual Teacher