changing states of mind

I haven't been active here in awhile, just briefly taking a look now and then to make sure it hadn't become a Scientology promotional site or something.  The last few days I've been re-visiting old posts, reviewing discussions, and quite often I don't even recognise what I wrote -  it sounds like another person entirely. I guess it was. I don't mean to distance myself from it - I wrote what I felt was true for me, and those memories and impressions haven't changed. The energy behind the anger and disappointment is largely gone, though. I don't miss any of that   I do miss being in touch with many of you and hope to reconnect a bit in this coming year.

I am casting about for something profound to say about what I do now, as a buddhist, but I was never any good at trying to talk about "my practice". I don't do anything formal these days, no temple attendance, no recitation of scriptures except when they pop up in my mind like an advert jingle on tv and I can't get it out of my head. I haven't done sitting meditation ever except during retreats, and am still not. The closest I get to an equivalent of that is still the outdoor chores and stable work that needs doing every day. That's my temple, I guess, my quiet place.

I still have something of an aversion to teachers, at least to those who call themselves that, but it doesn't feel quite as mean-spirited as I used to be, about them. I was painting everybody with a broad brush, which isn't right.

Enough babbling, as Josh would say.  Time to put on coveralls and start the day.

best,
Lise

Nice  post Lise .I can identify with that I think the forum has helped a part of my journey it has given me an opportunity to redress or come to terms with aspects of along time ago, There are many great people from all walks of life who are very kind and nice and dont make a big deal about as it is their normal!

beautifully put

what a nice kind of normal that is -  and I think you're right, Michael, those people really are everywhere -

Lise, lovely post.  I think this Forum was and is valuable.... more inactive for the past few months, but I continue to see this as a resource for folks known and unknown.  Very important to share stories, insights, differing opinions, challenge, question, and poke the sacred cows.  things did get intense at times here.  but so much of this needed to come out, to be explored. 

will keep on posting various articles and books that add to the conversation.  also may post a few reflections - missing pieces - of the Shasta / Kennett story, but right now, have no passion to write about it, but that could change.

putting on your overalls and starting the day... that does sum it up....

rainy cold day in Manhattan.... getting over a head cold... ever onward... ever just here.

Josh, I hope you have a favourite hot toddy recipe -

Thanks for your kind words. I too am glad the forum is here, and we'll see that it stays open and available. I find the materials on other situations (gurus gone wild, for example) very interesting and I've been following some of the stories for awhile, so your updates there are much appreciated, as are the tips on good books to pick up. 

Sometimes when I think about my early participation here, it's like I had a splinter buried in the ball of my thumb (unspoken concerns about Shasta) and once I started digging on it, the exploration might not have been pretty but I needed to get the splinter out.  And even though it's out now and I have less to say, myself, I hope others with splinters will continue doing what they need to do to help matters. Someone will almost certainly be here to read and comment -  hard to say who, but we still have the old regulars checking in every so often. 

Wishing you a good evening, in front of a fire and under a blanket, hopefully -

Splinter in the thumb is a good way to say it, Lise. For me, hearing the Shasta-Kennet stories of others on the forum has helped that festering splinter to heal. After a few years of reading the horror stories, I pretty much feel free of the OBC-mystique.

The real sign that the creepiness is over for me is that I'm only vaguely interested in what's going on at the OBC and at North Cascades. I was sorry about the suffering and death of Laura and I'm sad to hear Rev. Alexsis died in a traffic accident. But my feelings are human emotions and not some mystical, strange, weird Zen-attempt at understanding the universe.

My husband's death has been a profound experience over the past 10 months -- I almost said profound "training," but I no longer think of life's experiences that way. Life is living without Jim, day after day after day.

Lise, getting up every morning and putting on your overalls and Josh, nursing your head cold on a rainy cold day in Manhatten -- those experiences to me are profound. As someone (maybe Koshen) said, training means seeing the next thing that needs to be done next and then doing it.

Lise,
Since you are taking stock of your participation on this forum, let me just reiterate my gratitude for this forum and for the opportunity to process in a helpful way the experiences I had while affiliated with Shasta Abbey and the OBC. The unhealthy way that I was forced to disconnect with the OBC sangha left me with some unresolved energies. The interaction on this forum and sharing of experiences and perspectives has been very healing for me. With every passage in life I have found it is valuable to be able to find a way to sift the wheat from the chaff and go on. I've been able to leave behind a good shovel full  or two of chaff and I appreciate that. I'm grateful for the life gifts that remain and for the good sense and kindness of forum companions who participated with me. The remains of my beloved son are buried in the cemetery at Shasta Abbey, so I think there will always be a tie with the place and with my memories of it, whether I return or not. If and when I do, I will do so with lightness of heart, and joy in the remembrance of my son and of the gifts the Abbey gave me, thanks to you and this forum.

Carol, I feel the same, as far as being free of the OBC-mystique or whatever it was that so compelling for me about them, for a time. I too have little interest in their doings now, except to the extent that harm is still happening and someone needs a place to talk about it and someone to talk to. I will be here for that. But as far as keeping track of events within Shasta Abbey, it doesn't interest me. I can understand how you feel about North Cascades.

My heart goes out to you, in getting through the days without your husband. This is too personal to ask you about, but my thought is that he must have been a good man and you were blessed with a good marriage. That is a gift.

Bill, thank you, your kind thoughts are much appreciated. I'm grateful too, to be connected with such bright, funny, loving people on this forum (yourself among them) - it has helped me so much. 

Lightness of heart.  Yes, that's it